Cubicle-Dwellers Etiquette

My friend and colleague, Dixie Darr, let me know that this is National Business Etiquette Week. Since I'd never heard of this week long extravaganza 'o fun for corporate America, I decided to do some research.

Turns out it's a real snoozer. It's only been around since 2006 and it's sponsored by some place calling itself The Protocol School of Washington. It seems to focus heavily on teaching American workers how to interact appropriately with clients from other cultures. What kinds of classes do you suppose make up their curriculum? Handshaking 101? The art of eating with chopsticks? How to Dine like a Diplomat? Don't laugh! They actually have a pamphlet with this title! Or how about, "How to Step Foot in a Foreign Country without Putting your Foot in your Mouth"?

We're more about day to day courtesy than we about about international etiquette, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to educate (or perhaps gently remind) my readers about everyday office courtesy. In particular, I'm going to concentrate on common sense courtesy for the everyday cubicle-dweller.

Now, if you are forced to spend eight or nine hours a day surrounded by three-quarter beige walls made of compressed cardboard and string, then you have our deepest sympathies. However, you will do the Universe and your fellow pod-dwellers a world of good if you simply follow some common sense rules of courtesy. And if you already follow these, then you have my blessing to anonymously (but courteously!) circulate them from cubicle to cubicle.

So, in no particular order, here are some common sense rules to make your daily communal workspace more palatable.

1. If you remember nothing else of this list, let it be these two words. Smell travels. Therefore, don't wear copious amounts of perfume/aftershave to the office, spray your hairspray at your desk, or use one of those obnoxious Glade plug-in scents. And on the days that you do eat at you desk, omit the smothered burrito complete with onions, jalapenos and refried beans. If you must dine on such cuisine (we'll discuss common sense courtesies for your stomach in another post), then head to the staff lunchroom or better yet, dine al fresco.

2. As smell travels, so does sound. When you're on the phone, speak in a well-modulated tone sufficiently loud enough for the person on the other end to hear, but not at a decibel that will be heard by your coworker 10 cubbies over (and will deafen the ears of the poor guy unfortunate enough to toil in the cubicle adjacent to yours.)

3. Lose the radio tunes. Or use a pair of high quality headphones if you must jive to the beat while you're working. Imagine the cacophony if everyone played their own separate tune aloud? It gives, marching to the beat of a different drummer an entirely different meaning! Can you even picture your rap tunes competing with Ruth's jazz, Rich's country western and Mary's classical tastes? Throw in Sue's affinity for Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree and, as my mother used to say, "someone's is going to end up crying!"

4. Just because your fellow worker bees have no doors, does not mean they have an open-door policy. Simply standing up and yelling "Yo" over the maze is not the appropriate (or courteous) way to have a worker-to-worker interface. Get up off your butt (it's good exercise...maybe the only chance you have to move all day) and walk over to the person's doorway. Knock before entering. Well, as best as you can knock on compressed string.

5. It's bad enough that you all have to be privy to each other's work phone conversations, so leave your lengthy personal phone conversations for your break. Also, the common concept of "work" is that you're actually doing some. A quick "Hi Honey, I'm leaving the office. Anything you want me to pick up?" is fine, but a 30 minute tirade with your husband about his boorish behavior at last night's party is TMI! it also will do nothing to enhance your chance for promotion (a.k.a. your one-way ticket out of Cubbyville!).

Communal activities are always tricky, be they living, working, or your annual family reunion. Throw in the fact that many of your co-workers (perhaps even you) may be less than thrilled about their current job situation, and working daily in an open space 6' square cubby with numerous others could become a most volatile situation. Remembering that your actions affect the others in your workplace will go a long way in making life bearable.

And if not, you could always change jobs. Who knows? Maybe you'll become a corporate world traveler and an expert on the art of the business lunch in Botswana!

Have Common Sense Courtesies Gone to the Dogs?

I live in Colorado and people here love their dogs. I wouldn't go so far as to say they are obsessed with their canines, but on my daily walks, I see my share of dogs out walking their people, and believe you me, these are some pampered pooches! Off leash parks abound and many businesses bear signs proclaiming them as dog-friendly. I admit, I have some issue with the dog-friendly businesses--at least some of them. Let's face it, not all dogs are well-behaved enough to bring into a retail or restaurant establishment and oftentimes owners who love their dogs are immune to their shortcomings, often notably in the hygiene department. And I've made the mistake in staying at dog-friendly hotels, only to be "serenaded" all night by raucous barking every time a door banged, the elevator opened or someone breathed (translated: barking all night).

So I guess I'm fine with well-behaved pups accompanying their owners to pet shops, on public transportation (assuming they aren't prone to motion sickness) some types of retail establishments and recreational stores (A dog at REI just seems to belong there, don't you agree?). But I draw the line at sipping my chai tea while the border collie at the next table gobbles a biscotti.

Now before you go and accuse me of being a dog-hater, let me assure you that I am not. I wept with relief when Lassie pulled Timmy out of the well, laugh out loud to the antics of Eddie on Frasier and applaud programs such as Guide Dogs for the Blind and the Humane Society. I also like spaghetti and meatballs, a good novel, George Clooney and Mickey Mouse but that doesn't mean I want them to hump my leg when I least expect it (okay, I'd make an exception for George, as long as we weren't in public).

So, because some dog owners are over-the-top in love with their pets (so much so that they sometimes check both their common sense and their courtesy at the door), let us put forth some common sense courtesies for the pet owner.

1. I'm willing to bet that your city or town has a leash law. Honor it. I can't tell you how many times I've been out for my morning walk, enjoying the birds and flowers as I anticipate a new day only to be accosted by a large barking beast (or a small yapping one). The scenario goes something like this, I outwardly cringe, dodge or cower from the animal, whereby the owner saunters over and haughtily exclaims, "Oh, Killer won't hurt you; he just wants to play." At this point, I'm tempted to bellow, "Maybe so, but I have no way of knowing that as I'm confronting 90 pounds of teeth, drool and fur!" Besides, I'm out on my morning walking meditation; did it not occur to you that perhaps I don't want to "play" at this time?

And speaking of leash laws, the intent is that a human is tethered to the opposite end of the leash. A dog with a leash trailing while the owner hovers nearby "just in case" is equivalent to an unleashed dog.

2. Four words. Pick Up the Poop. Nuff said.

3. Regarding doggie courtesy in your home. When someone comes to your door and you graciously offer to let them in, Fido (does anyone actually name their dog Fido anymore?) needs to be restrained or removed if he's not 100% trained to accept newcomers equally as graciously. As polite as your guest is being on the surface, trust me--he or she does not enjoy being licked, pawed or being given the sniff of approval before being deemed an acceptable guest.

4. On being neighborly. If you leave your dog alone in the yard all day while you are at work, he will bark. And bark. And bark. Your dog is lonely and driving your neighbors nuts. Why do you have a dog if you are leaving him alone for hours on end? If you must be gone for hours, love your pooch enough to put him in Doggie daycare, or have someone come over a few times a day to play, walk, toss the ball, etc. Otherwise, you will be the main topic of the neighborhood association monthly meeting. Your neighbors will plot your demise. They will be justified.

5. If you do opt to bring your pooch into pet-friendly businesses, remember that pet-friendly does not equal pet-exclusive. Humans--who, after all, are the ones with the money to spend--must also share the space. Your dogs should be kept by your side unless invited for a pleasant pat by your fellow patrons.

6. People who don't love your dog as much as you do should not be ridiculed. This of course assumes that the people in question are observing their own Common Sense Courtesies rules in dealing with animals. (Translated: anyone who harms an animal should be given as good as they get.) However, if someone politely indicates that they'd rather enjoy Rover from a distance, you must respect their request if you are to remain a member in good standing of the Common Sense Courtesies Club.

7. Shell out a few bucks for obedience training. This will not be a blow to your dog's self-esteem. They are not your equal--you're supposed to be the one in charge--and life for everyone concerned (including the dog) will be easier if they are taught to obey simple commands.

8. Do not bring your dog to your workplace unless your coworkers are okay with it. And if you dog is a regular at your place of employment, then don't expect him to be eligible for paid sick leave, doggie health insurance or workmen's comp. That is plain presumptuous. (Drug-sniffing dogs excluded.)

9. If you want to use your beloved pup's picture as your screensaver, wallpaper or plaster photos of Lucky the boxer all over your cubicle, that is your business. However, do not spent hours regaling your coworkers of the dog's daily antics. This will get you appropriately labeled as a bore. And besides, get a life!

10. If you're the owner of a dog who attempts to hump everything in sight (the table leg, his leash, your grandmother) then do everyone a favor and get him fixed.

And here's a Common Sense Courtesies tip for those of you who might not be dog-lovers, but live or work among those who are. When the sad day comes and the dog passes away, or needs to be put down, please be empathetic--even if you simply don't understand the loss. For those who have lost their pets, the grief is real and deep. Be kind and offer your sympathy.

It All Began In a Library...

...so it's only natural that my first blog post be about Common Sense Courtesies in these hallowed halls where the written (not the spoken!) word reigns supreme.

I love books. I revere books with all of my senses. Okay, maybe not taste, as I've never licked a book (unless you count the time I dropped a tempting glob of chocolate chip chocolate cake batter on page 43 of my Fanny Farmer Cookbook, but that was a moment of pure sugar gluttony. I could not be held responsible for my actions.) But I certainly revel in the rustle of pages, the smell of the paper, the weight of a novel in my hands and the sight of row upon row of written words designed to take my imagination to new heights.

Libraries, bookstores both new and used--you name it. Wherever books are stored, I am in literary nirvana. So it will come as no surprise that I view disrespect for books and book lovers to be the highest form of discourteous behavior. This may place me in the minority, for libraries are no longer the bastions of contemplative quiet that they were when I was a child. Now bibliophiles must learn to peacefully coexist with readers who blab on cell phones while browsing the stacks, boisterous children running wild, teens and twenty-somethings with leaking ear buds that subject anyone within range to the cacophonous overflow, and the ever-present rat-a-tat-tap of other patron's keyboards.

And the librarians are the worst, engaging in in-person and telephone conversations that reverberate off walls, up stairs, out the window and blocks away. Some libraries are now offering quiet rooms where patrons can cloister themselves in the name of attaining a noise-free environment. In the Seattle Library system, they can't keep up with the demand for their 16 quiet rooms.

Some would argue that libraries should be a public space for all. On that point, we disagree. More aptly put, libraries are public spaces, so need to be structured so that all members of the public can benefit from them. If there is no possibility for separate quiet and noisy spaces in the library building, then I say those deserving quiet should reign. After all, those who seek noise can find it almost anywhere. Restaurants and nightclubs blare music incessantly, our own living rooms spew television babble 24/7. Car alarms, horns and car stereos blare music on every street corner; and if you're fortunate enough to be walking in a larger city, you'll also be treated to numerous epithets and insults screamed by frazzled drivers.

As far as the children having a place to blow off steam, the library isn't it. Children have playgrounds, after-school programs, backyards, bowling alleys, skate board parks, amusement centers and Grandma's house in which to leap, climb, run about, chortle, cry and yell themselves silly. But we who crave a quiet nook, where are we to go? The only places still revered as reserved for peaceful contemplation are places of worship--and just try reading a juicy Danielle Steel tome while Reverend White is delivering his weekly sermon! Besides, where would the atheists go for peace and quiet? No, until they are constructed differently, the library belongs to those craving quiet. So, here are our Common Sense Courtesies for the Library:

1. Children belong in the Children's Room (hence the name) unless they are conked out in their stroller.
2. Turn off your cell phone. No exceptions.
3. If you must speak, whisper. You remember whispering, don't you? It's what you learned to do when you had a sleeping baby in the house, a conversation you didn't want your parents (or your spouse) to overhear or when asked to detonate a bomb.
4. Check your electronic devices at the door, or find a library that provides a room with a door so that you can go into it and make all the noise you need. The one exception to this would be your laptop, as long as the only sound that emerges is the tippy tap of your ever-so-light touch upon the keyboard.
5. Teachers, if you're taking your group of school aged students on a field trip to show them the joys and wonders of the library, talk to them in hushed tones. The patron on the third floor should not hear you extolling the virtues of the convenient self-check out machine from two stories up.
6. If you're working at a library carrel (that's fancy talk for a desk in a cubicle) then you, too must be polite to your fellow quiet-refuge-seekers. Use a tissue; there's nothing worse then working next to a sniveler. Don't snap your gum while you're studying (and don't even THINK about sticking it under the desk...what are you, four?). Don't eat snacks with crinkly paper on them, jingle the change in your pockets, hum, whistle, break wind (unless it's silent one and you're sure it will be odor-free!), tap your teeth with your pencil, click your pen rapid-staccato fashion, jiggle your foot incessantly or guffaw out loud at things you're reading.
   
7. And for heaven's sake, put books back where they belong, if you decide you don't want to check them out. Common sense courtesy is all about making it easy for the next guy.
8. When you check out a book, respect it and the next person who will be reading it. Use a bookmark rather than folding the page back or (gasp!) leaving it open face down. And bring it back on or before the due date, unless you renew. So what if the fine is only a dime a day; maybe someone else is waiting to check out the book you've carelessly tossed in the back seat of your car to return when you get around to it.
9. And this one is to all the librarians. Unless you're assisting a hard of hearing octogenarian, lower your voice. Other library guests don't want to hear that the patron you're helping is searching for a book on the mating habits of baboons.

Follow the above steps and your fellow library-goers will love you for it. You'll also avoid the looks, stares and glares that will be directed your way if you exhibit a lack of common sense library courtesy.