CSC at the CSO

Last night. Jeremy and I headed over to Cheesman Park to enjoy a free concert by the Colorado Symphony Orchestra. The night was warm and we found a spot in the shade of some trees. After positioning our chairs so we wouldn't block anyone else's view (common sense courtesy being our mantra, of course), we settled in to wait for the concert, chatting amiably with a couple seated on a blanket next to us.

As the time for the concert drew near, the park was really filling up and it was a festive atmosphere. People were chatting, meeting and greeting their neighbors, children ran all over the place--doing what children do when given the unfettered freedom to hoot, holler, jump and dance about. People brought picnic suppers and enjoyed them as the sun went behind the trees and the field was bathed in blissful coolness. I was enjoying the experience and was so glad we'd come. Until...

...the performance started. After the preliminary thank-yous and introductions were extended, the orchestra began to play the beautiful overture to Russian and Ludmilla. And the people in the audience, rather than being attentive and giving themselves the opportunity to be swept away by the music, simply kept talking. The wife from the congenial couple next to us began a running commentary about her latest trip to Nordstoms. The children continued to hoot and holler, and were given no admonishment by their parents to hush and be respectful. The adults continued their conversations while the orchestra played on.

I was appalled. I tried the dirty look, but that went unnoticed (odd, since I generally give a very effective dirty look; it still scares the bejesus out of my kids, and they are in their 20s!). In most situations, I would have no problem with politely asking the offending party to pipe down, but in this case, I'd have had to ask at least 50% of the attendees to mind their manners. In fact, when I glanced about, I saw that it was largely the audience members over 60 who were valiantly trying to absorb the music while looking askance at their blathering younger neighbors. I was embarrassed for my peers; is this what we've come to that only the elders among us show any respect?

Bear in mind that this was a free concert. The musicians were giving of their time willingly in order to advance the arts in our community and to present this opportunity for leisure and relaxation to city residents. Yet, how was it received? By rudeness and disrespect. The warm ovation given to them at the end did nothing to make up for the paltry manners exhibited during the performance.

Even I, who rarely gets confounded when I witness a lack of common sense courtesy, was stunned by the behavior of the audience. Some folks were even blabbing on their cell phones during the performance! What did they think made this acceptable? That it was a free concert? That it was held outdoors? That they are the center of the universe and no one else besides them matters? Ummmmm.....NOT!

Since there is but one Common Sense Courtesy Rule for performances of this nature, I'll phrase it in as many ways as possible so that all will comprehend. Shut your mouth, close your trap, zip your lips, button your pie hole, muzzle your mouth, dummy up, can the chat-chat, still your tongue, put a sock in it, keep still, hush up, be quiet, pipe down, stop talking. In short...SHADDUP!

I think you'll find that the things you will hear are amazingly beautiful!

Government Clerk Common Sense Courtesy (An Oxymoron?)

Yesterday, my husband and I had two very dissimilar experiences in dealing with, for lack of a better word, peon government clerks.

Having recently purchased a new car, I went off to the DMV to get it registered. Jeremy, for his part, went down to the Denver Parking Administration to see about getting a new on-street parking permit for our new car. Note: we found out that hard way that simply transferring the permit for our old car was not acceptable when our new car--complete with valid parking sticker (or so we thought) was ticketed. Apparently, one has to turn in the old sticker for a new sticker. And they wonder why we get so fed up with governmental red tape!

I'm delighted to say that my experience at the DMV was nearly pleasant--the only thing that marred it was the need to shell out $465 for the registration--but while that was expensive, I cannot say it was discourteous. Jeremy, however, did not fare so well, and was met by surly employees and a churlish supervisor in his simple quest to obtain a parking permit (to which we are entitled) in order to park on our street without getting ticketed.

Sigh....okay....I admit this might be a losing battle, for many bureaucratic clerks will simply never comprehend the necessity for Common Sense Courtesy. Plus, I don' think many of them know how to read anything save for their computer screens and the government forms that are mechanically placed before them hundreds of times per day. However, my experience at the DMV is proof positive that a dour countenance and irritable behavior are not necessarily the trademark of all government workers.

So, while in theory we can sympathize with the fact that these folks are little more than human robots, who are taught to follow the rules without question and have to ask their supervisor's permission to use the restroom when Mother Nature calls, in reality we'd rather not have the runoff from your lives of pathos and drudgery affect us.

Hence, Common Sense courtesy for government drones.

1. Please greet us with "Good Morning", "Good Afternoon" or "Hello" when we step up to your window. And no, bellowing "Next!!!" is not a greeting. It is a command.

2. Should you inadvertently forget Rule #1, then have the decency to respond to our "Hello" with more than a curt nod and an outstretched hand for our (and it better be completely filled out!) paperwork.

3. Bear in mind that the paperwork which you handle on a daily basis is unfamiliar to most of us. Registering cars, paying parking tickets, mailing packages, collecting unemployment benefits, seeking permits, getting a driver's license are usually not things we do routinely. Please refrain from sighing, eye-rolling and looking at us as though you can't believe what an idiot our mama gave birth to. A smile and a patient reply will undoubtedly get the point across clearly.

4. Try a little empathy. If someone is standing before your window, crouching to get their voice to project into the 3" hole in your bullet-proof Plexiglas, trying to tell you why their parking ticket might be in error, give them the courtesy of empathy even if you can't resolve their problem. If possible, kindly refer them to someone who can. Yes, we know there are a million sad stories in the big city and you have to sit through all of them, but that is your chosen profession. To these folks, their distress is real. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

5. As hard as it is for you to realize, these people before you are your customers. They pay your salary. Consider how you'd treat them if it was your own business at which you were working. I know that's a stretch for a cubicle-dwelling, 9-to-5:30-with-a 30-minute-lunch-break worker to comprehend, but give it a shot. How would you treat the person at your window if pissing them off would make them take their business (and your livelihood) elsewhere?

6. If you must abandon your work station while helping a customer, please let us know the reason. When you heft your considerable girth off your stool (understandable since you do work at a sedentary job and let's face it, a Little Debbie or two goes a long way in assuaging the stress after eight hours of working with the public) and amble off, we have no idea if you've gone to the printer, for a cigarette, or to seek assistance in helping us resolve our dilemma.

7. Answering the phone while you are waiting on someone at your window who was there first is rude--especially when said person at your window has more than likely waited a considerable amount of time clutching his or her number and anxiously watching as the ticker counts upward to his turn. All for the pleasure of talking to you!. If you are required to answer the phone, please politely tell the person on the other end that you are waiting on a customer in person and will place them on hold until that person's business is transacted. The, go back to your phone before calling the next person.

8. And as you greeted your customer pleasantly, so must you close your business with equal affability. A "good-bye" and a "have a nice day" (said without sarcasm, please) will make both you and them feel good.

And for your supervisors and managers, Common Sense Courtesy demands that you set the example by treating both customers and workers with dignity and respect. How about rewarding courtesy among your staff? Now, there's a concept!

Am I Missing Something?

When took upon myself the mission to abolish nonsensical discourtesy from the face of the earth, I thought I fully understood that commons sense is indeed not so common. I expected that I would be calm and understanding when presented with various lacks of courtesy. I envisioned myself as a martyr for the cause, generating courtesy miracles as I went about my work. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do," I would murmur as I graciously proclaimed my wisdom to the masses.

But upon deeper reflection, I have to admit that I was foolishly expecting a minimal standard of common sense from the majority of my fellow human beings. This is folly. Rubbish. Poppycock. Let's face it--some people are just pigs. And while you may feel that last statement was somewhat discourteous indeed, I think you will change your tune when you hear my tale.

When I am out on my A.M. meditative perambulation, I encounter many like-minded souls who are enjoying the early morning air--walking their dogs, stretching their legs, jogging, bicycling, roller blading, etc. Whether or not we acknowledge each other's acquaintance, as we pass, I enjoy the camaraderie of like-minded individuals with whom I comingle on a daily basis.

Today, about 30 minutes into my pleasant summer morning walk, I encountered a bicyclist coming toward me. As he approached, he smiled broadly at me and I returned the favor by offering him a view of my own pearly whites. A millisecond later however, my favor turned to displeasure (well, it was more like a gross-out than mere displeasure) when my delicate ears were assailed by the sound of a deep rumbling in his throat, followed by a sharp intake of breath which indicated only one outcome. Sure enough, he hacked up a loogie of epic proportions and proceeded to expel it onto the sidewalk approximately 10 feet from where I stood, the smile quickly disappearing from my face.

The offensive bicyclist proceeded to pedal along his merry way, oblivious to the tumult he had just instilled in my stomach.

Now, one would think that it would not be necessary to educate people on the discourtesy of spitting in public, but apparently one would be grossly mistaken to embrace this point of view. My father, bless his soul, was one of the most fastidious people I ever met. A dapper dresser, tall and handsome even into his 70's, he prided himself on being courteous to others.

However, everyone has their foibles and my father was no exception. A devout Catholic, Dad never missed a Sunday mass. He had, however, one peculiar (and gross) habit. After parking the car, as he was walking toward the church stairs, he'd pause to blow his nose (ever mindful of being disruptive to the service with his honking). Then, after neatly folding his handkerchief, and oblivious to his fellow parishioners entering the church, he would snort and immediately spew a load of phlegm onto the curb. Then he'd piously climb the church steps with nary a thought to the sputum he'd left behind.

This behavior was so engrained in my mind, that as I child, I think I simply accepted it as part of his Sunday morning Catholic ritual. (Catholics being big on rules and ritual and all that.) You know, no eating three hours before communion, don't let the host touch your teeth, genuflect before taking your seat, hurl a loogie before entering the house of God and so on. Even if I had thought to question the appropriateness of this behavior, I wouldn't have had the courage to mention it anyway as Dad was also from the school of children should be seen and not heard. And heaven forbid if you were "heard" during church. The consequences were unthinkable.

So it seems that even among the most particular of people, lapses in common sense courtesy can occur.

And in one last ditch attempt on the part of the Universe to get me to elucidate on the perils of public spittage, as I headed home on my walk this morning, beginning to recover from my disgust at the errant bicyclist, I encountered a snuggling couple perched on a low wall abutting the sidewalk. As I walked toward them, they parted from their embrace, at which point the gal turned her head away from her beloved (how gracious!) and with a sharp intake of nasally, throaty breath that could be heard six blocks away, brought up an impressive mucus projectile that she expertly spat through her front teeth and onto the pavement below.

And her companion? As I once again fought valiantly to hang on to my breakfast, he looked at her with adoration and gleefully proclaimed with admiration, "Wow...that was NASTY!!! Good one!"

Did I miss a memo? Since when did public spitting become not only tolerated, but encouraged?

Thank goodness I am here to set the truth in stone. Clearly the world needs me more than I thought.

There is only one rule for spitting, so here it is. Do it in private or don't do it at all. And by "private" I mean not in a public place--even if there is no one else around.

And if my plea doesn’t sway the spitters out there, then consider the health hazards of public spitting. And if that doesn't sway you, then you might find it interesting to note that your city or town might very well have an ordinance against public expectoration. Consider the following....is this from your home town? Hmmmm....maybe you should assume it is!

1733.01 SPITTING IN PUBLIC PLACES PROHIBITED.

No person shall spit upon the sidewalk of any street, alley or other public place, or

upon the floor, walls or seats of any room, hall, office or other part of any tenement, hotel or

lodging place, which is used in common by the guests or inmates thereof, or upon the floor,

walls or other part of any store, theater or other building or room which is used in common by

the public.

(1969 Code Sec. 833.01)

1733.02 SPITTING IN PUBLIC CONVEYANCES PROHIBITED.

No person shall spit upon the floor, seats, walls or other part of any public

conveyance.

(1969 Code Sec. 833.02)

Cubicle-Dwellers Etiquette

My friend and colleague, Dixie Darr, let me know that this is National Business Etiquette Week. Since I'd never heard of this week long extravaganza 'o fun for corporate America, I decided to do some research.

Turns out it's a real snoozer. It's only been around since 2006 and it's sponsored by some place calling itself The Protocol School of Washington. It seems to focus heavily on teaching American workers how to interact appropriately with clients from other cultures. What kinds of classes do you suppose make up their curriculum? Handshaking 101? The art of eating with chopsticks? How to Dine like a Diplomat? Don't laugh! They actually have a pamphlet with this title! Or how about, "How to Step Foot in a Foreign Country without Putting your Foot in your Mouth"?

We're more about day to day courtesy than we about about international etiquette, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to educate (or perhaps gently remind) my readers about everyday office courtesy. In particular, I'm going to concentrate on common sense courtesy for the everyday cubicle-dweller.

Now, if you are forced to spend eight or nine hours a day surrounded by three-quarter beige walls made of compressed cardboard and string, then you have our deepest sympathies. However, you will do the Universe and your fellow pod-dwellers a world of good if you simply follow some common sense rules of courtesy. And if you already follow these, then you have my blessing to anonymously (but courteously!) circulate them from cubicle to cubicle.

So, in no particular order, here are some common sense rules to make your daily communal workspace more palatable.

1. If you remember nothing else of this list, let it be these two words. Smell travels. Therefore, don't wear copious amounts of perfume/aftershave to the office, spray your hairspray at your desk, or use one of those obnoxious Glade plug-in scents. And on the days that you do eat at you desk, omit the smothered burrito complete with onions, jalapenos and refried beans. If you must dine on such cuisine (we'll discuss common sense courtesies for your stomach in another post), then head to the staff lunchroom or better yet, dine al fresco.

2. As smell travels, so does sound. When you're on the phone, speak in a well-modulated tone sufficiently loud enough for the person on the other end to hear, but not at a decibel that will be heard by your coworker 10 cubbies over (and will deafen the ears of the poor guy unfortunate enough to toil in the cubicle adjacent to yours.)

3. Lose the radio tunes. Or use a pair of high quality headphones if you must jive to the beat while you're working. Imagine the cacophony if everyone played their own separate tune aloud? It gives, marching to the beat of a different drummer an entirely different meaning! Can you even picture your rap tunes competing with Ruth's jazz, Rich's country western and Mary's classical tastes? Throw in Sue's affinity for Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree and, as my mother used to say, "someone's is going to end up crying!"

4. Just because your fellow worker bees have no doors, does not mean they have an open-door policy. Simply standing up and yelling "Yo" over the maze is not the appropriate (or courteous) way to have a worker-to-worker interface. Get up off your butt (it's good exercise...maybe the only chance you have to move all day) and walk over to the person's doorway. Knock before entering. Well, as best as you can knock on compressed string.

5. It's bad enough that you all have to be privy to each other's work phone conversations, so leave your lengthy personal phone conversations for your break. Also, the common concept of "work" is that you're actually doing some. A quick "Hi Honey, I'm leaving the office. Anything you want me to pick up?" is fine, but a 30 minute tirade with your husband about his boorish behavior at last night's party is TMI! it also will do nothing to enhance your chance for promotion (a.k.a. your one-way ticket out of Cubbyville!).

Communal activities are always tricky, be they living, working, or your annual family reunion. Throw in the fact that many of your co-workers (perhaps even you) may be less than thrilled about their current job situation, and working daily in an open space 6' square cubby with numerous others could become a most volatile situation. Remembering that your actions affect the others in your workplace will go a long way in making life bearable.

And if not, you could always change jobs. Who knows? Maybe you'll become a corporate world traveler and an expert on the art of the business lunch in Botswana!

Have Common Sense Courtesies Gone to the Dogs?

I live in Colorado and people here love their dogs. I wouldn't go so far as to say they are obsessed with their canines, but on my daily walks, I see my share of dogs out walking their people, and believe you me, these are some pampered pooches! Off leash parks abound and many businesses bear signs proclaiming them as dog-friendly. I admit, I have some issue with the dog-friendly businesses--at least some of them. Let's face it, not all dogs are well-behaved enough to bring into a retail or restaurant establishment and oftentimes owners who love their dogs are immune to their shortcomings, often notably in the hygiene department. And I've made the mistake in staying at dog-friendly hotels, only to be "serenaded" all night by raucous barking every time a door banged, the elevator opened or someone breathed (translated: barking all night).

So I guess I'm fine with well-behaved pups accompanying their owners to pet shops, on public transportation (assuming they aren't prone to motion sickness) some types of retail establishments and recreational stores (A dog at REI just seems to belong there, don't you agree?). But I draw the line at sipping my chai tea while the border collie at the next table gobbles a biscotti.

Now before you go and accuse me of being a dog-hater, let me assure you that I am not. I wept with relief when Lassie pulled Timmy out of the well, laugh out loud to the antics of Eddie on Frasier and applaud programs such as Guide Dogs for the Blind and the Humane Society. I also like spaghetti and meatballs, a good novel, George Clooney and Mickey Mouse but that doesn't mean I want them to hump my leg when I least expect it (okay, I'd make an exception for George, as long as we weren't in public).

So, because some dog owners are over-the-top in love with their pets (so much so that they sometimes check both their common sense and their courtesy at the door), let us put forth some common sense courtesies for the pet owner.

1. I'm willing to bet that your city or town has a leash law. Honor it. I can't tell you how many times I've been out for my morning walk, enjoying the birds and flowers as I anticipate a new day only to be accosted by a large barking beast (or a small yapping one). The scenario goes something like this, I outwardly cringe, dodge or cower from the animal, whereby the owner saunters over and haughtily exclaims, "Oh, Killer won't hurt you; he just wants to play." At this point, I'm tempted to bellow, "Maybe so, but I have no way of knowing that as I'm confronting 90 pounds of teeth, drool and fur!" Besides, I'm out on my morning walking meditation; did it not occur to you that perhaps I don't want to "play" at this time?

And speaking of leash laws, the intent is that a human is tethered to the opposite end of the leash. A dog with a leash trailing while the owner hovers nearby "just in case" is equivalent to an unleashed dog.

2. Four words. Pick Up the Poop. Nuff said.

3. Regarding doggie courtesy in your home. When someone comes to your door and you graciously offer to let them in, Fido (does anyone actually name their dog Fido anymore?) needs to be restrained or removed if he's not 100% trained to accept newcomers equally as graciously. As polite as your guest is being on the surface, trust me--he or she does not enjoy being licked, pawed or being given the sniff of approval before being deemed an acceptable guest.

4. On being neighborly. If you leave your dog alone in the yard all day while you are at work, he will bark. And bark. And bark. Your dog is lonely and driving your neighbors nuts. Why do you have a dog if you are leaving him alone for hours on end? If you must be gone for hours, love your pooch enough to put him in Doggie daycare, or have someone come over a few times a day to play, walk, toss the ball, etc. Otherwise, you will be the main topic of the neighborhood association monthly meeting. Your neighbors will plot your demise. They will be justified.

5. If you do opt to bring your pooch into pet-friendly businesses, remember that pet-friendly does not equal pet-exclusive. Humans--who, after all, are the ones with the money to spend--must also share the space. Your dogs should be kept by your side unless invited for a pleasant pat by your fellow patrons.

6. People who don't love your dog as much as you do should not be ridiculed. This of course assumes that the people in question are observing their own Common Sense Courtesies rules in dealing with animals. (Translated: anyone who harms an animal should be given as good as they get.) However, if someone politely indicates that they'd rather enjoy Rover from a distance, you must respect their request if you are to remain a member in good standing of the Common Sense Courtesies Club.

7. Shell out a few bucks for obedience training. This will not be a blow to your dog's self-esteem. They are not your equal--you're supposed to be the one in charge--and life for everyone concerned (including the dog) will be easier if they are taught to obey simple commands.

8. Do not bring your dog to your workplace unless your coworkers are okay with it. And if you dog is a regular at your place of employment, then don't expect him to be eligible for paid sick leave, doggie health insurance or workmen's comp. That is plain presumptuous. (Drug-sniffing dogs excluded.)

9. If you want to use your beloved pup's picture as your screensaver, wallpaper or plaster photos of Lucky the boxer all over your cubicle, that is your business. However, do not spent hours regaling your coworkers of the dog's daily antics. This will get you appropriately labeled as a bore. And besides, get a life!

10. If you're the owner of a dog who attempts to hump everything in sight (the table leg, his leash, your grandmother) then do everyone a favor and get him fixed.

And here's a Common Sense Courtesies tip for those of you who might not be dog-lovers, but live or work among those who are. When the sad day comes and the dog passes away, or needs to be put down, please be empathetic--even if you simply don't understand the loss. For those who have lost their pets, the grief is real and deep. Be kind and offer your sympathy.

It All Began In a Library...

...so it's only natural that my first blog post be about Common Sense Courtesies in these hallowed halls where the written (not the spoken!) word reigns supreme.

I love books. I revere books with all of my senses. Okay, maybe not taste, as I've never licked a book (unless you count the time I dropped a tempting glob of chocolate chip chocolate cake batter on page 43 of my Fanny Farmer Cookbook, but that was a moment of pure sugar gluttony. I could not be held responsible for my actions.) But I certainly revel in the rustle of pages, the smell of the paper, the weight of a novel in my hands and the sight of row upon row of written words designed to take my imagination to new heights.

Libraries, bookstores both new and used--you name it. Wherever books are stored, I am in literary nirvana. So it will come as no surprise that I view disrespect for books and book lovers to be the highest form of discourteous behavior. This may place me in the minority, for libraries are no longer the bastions of contemplative quiet that they were when I was a child. Now bibliophiles must learn to peacefully coexist with readers who blab on cell phones while browsing the stacks, boisterous children running wild, teens and twenty-somethings with leaking ear buds that subject anyone within range to the cacophonous overflow, and the ever-present rat-a-tat-tap of other patron's keyboards.

And the librarians are the worst, engaging in in-person and telephone conversations that reverberate off walls, up stairs, out the window and blocks away. Some libraries are now offering quiet rooms where patrons can cloister themselves in the name of attaining a noise-free environment. In the Seattle Library system, they can't keep up with the demand for their 16 quiet rooms.

Some would argue that libraries should be a public space for all. On that point, we disagree. More aptly put, libraries are public spaces, so need to be structured so that all members of the public can benefit from them. If there is no possibility for separate quiet and noisy spaces in the library building, then I say those deserving quiet should reign. After all, those who seek noise can find it almost anywhere. Restaurants and nightclubs blare music incessantly, our own living rooms spew television babble 24/7. Car alarms, horns and car stereos blare music on every street corner; and if you're fortunate enough to be walking in a larger city, you'll also be treated to numerous epithets and insults screamed by frazzled drivers.

As far as the children having a place to blow off steam, the library isn't it. Children have playgrounds, after-school programs, backyards, bowling alleys, skate board parks, amusement centers and Grandma's house in which to leap, climb, run about, chortle, cry and yell themselves silly. But we who crave a quiet nook, where are we to go? The only places still revered as reserved for peaceful contemplation are places of worship--and just try reading a juicy Danielle Steel tome while Reverend White is delivering his weekly sermon! Besides, where would the atheists go for peace and quiet? No, until they are constructed differently, the library belongs to those craving quiet. So, here are our Common Sense Courtesies for the Library:

1. Children belong in the Children's Room (hence the name) unless they are conked out in their stroller.
2. Turn off your cell phone. No exceptions.
3. If you must speak, whisper. You remember whispering, don't you? It's what you learned to do when you had a sleeping baby in the house, a conversation you didn't want your parents (or your spouse) to overhear or when asked to detonate a bomb.
4. Check your electronic devices at the door, or find a library that provides a room with a door so that you can go into it and make all the noise you need. The one exception to this would be your laptop, as long as the only sound that emerges is the tippy tap of your ever-so-light touch upon the keyboard.
5. Teachers, if you're taking your group of school aged students on a field trip to show them the joys and wonders of the library, talk to them in hushed tones. The patron on the third floor should not hear you extolling the virtues of the convenient self-check out machine from two stories up.
6. If you're working at a library carrel (that's fancy talk for a desk in a cubicle) then you, too must be polite to your fellow quiet-refuge-seekers. Use a tissue; there's nothing worse then working next to a sniveler. Don't snap your gum while you're studying (and don't even THINK about sticking it under the desk...what are you, four?). Don't eat snacks with crinkly paper on them, jingle the change in your pockets, hum, whistle, break wind (unless it's silent one and you're sure it will be odor-free!), tap your teeth with your pencil, click your pen rapid-staccato fashion, jiggle your foot incessantly or guffaw out loud at things you're reading.
   
7. And for heaven's sake, put books back where they belong, if you decide you don't want to check them out. Common sense courtesy is all about making it easy for the next guy.
8. When you check out a book, respect it and the next person who will be reading it. Use a bookmark rather than folding the page back or (gasp!) leaving it open face down. And bring it back on or before the due date, unless you renew. So what if the fine is only a dime a day; maybe someone else is waiting to check out the book you've carelessly tossed in the back seat of your car to return when you get around to it.
9. And this one is to all the librarians. Unless you're assisting a hard of hearing octogenarian, lower your voice. Other library guests don't want to hear that the patron you're helping is searching for a book on the mating habits of baboons.

Follow the above steps and your fellow library-goers will love you for it. You'll also avoid the looks, stares and glares that will be directed your way if you exhibit a lack of common sense library courtesy.